Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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