i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
