yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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