if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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