Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
