How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
