last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
