I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
