Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You made out with two different species that night
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
