My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
