I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
