cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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