I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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