My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
