this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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