the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
