ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
