So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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