Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
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I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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