I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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