my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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