I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
