My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
