i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
