see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
