don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
