I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
