Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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