Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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