just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
