so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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