I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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