you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
