The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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