i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
