Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
