I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
