so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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