I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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