we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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