Moan for me like Helen Keller
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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