Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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