I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize