So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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