how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
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He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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