My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
