Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
