Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I see more hoeing in ur future
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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