i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
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He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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