He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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