I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
