There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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