They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
