why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
