she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
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I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
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I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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