pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
