if i can run in heels then i can drive
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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