EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
