If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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